Define Beautiful: Emilie
By · May 12 2011
I grew up with an intense ability to love. As a kid, they called it a “tender heart.” As an adult, they call it a “bleeding heart.” That’s my gift. I am typically an optimist in terms of assuming the good of mankind. To me, that’s part of what is beautiful about myself.
So it’s been hard these last few years to watch my “gift” slip away. As others around me have done what I have not been able to do — have children — my tender heart has hardened, and my bleeding heart has bled for myself, not others. I don’t do well around pregnant women or those with small children. I try, I really do. But if want to see me uncomfortably fumbling praise and interest while feeling like an failure inside, put me next to a pregnant woman, new mom or tiny baby. It’s generally not pretty.
My issues were exacerbated last year as I watched my little sister’s pregnancy progress. It’s difficult to describe (without sounding selfish) the feelings an oldest sibling has watching a younger sibling go through a major life experience first. Combine the regular sibling jealousy issues with the pain of infertility, and my inner self has felt tortured in a way I can’t accurately illustrate. As the time grew closer for her to have the baby, I had absolutely no idea how I’d react. Top possibilities on the list were anger, grief, and possibly the worst, apathy.
But I have surprised myself. Despite my worry that I’d emotionally distance myself from him, I — intensely — love this baby. I dare say I appreciate the miracle of the creation of life more than the average non-fertility challenged woman might. And this little guy, who is now a loud, busy, adorable 1-year-old, is a miracle. While my (lack of) fertility issues remain, I’ve discovered something inside myself that’s been missing for awhile: My ability to love. While the rest of me feels so broken, it’s amazing to realize there’s a least a small part of me that still works.
That, to me, is beautiful.
- Emilie
When this popped up in my inbox, I cried. I’ve been so excited to share it with you ever since.
The Beautiful Project: More definitions of beautiful, posted on Thursdays. Send me your answer to “what makes you feel beautiful” to natalie at thebobbypin.com.
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Em, when I got married and had a baby long before my older brother, I felt such despair.
I think you put into words what I fear he feels, but you did it beautifully.
I’m glad your nephew has healed a little bit of your heart although it’s still been a challenge.
Liv recently posted..Creative reading
Beautiful! I got married before my older sister and felt guilty about it. I want her to have kids first…but I’m worried that I might have infertility issues which means will probably start trying sooner than we would have otherwise in case we do run into problems.
I hope you have blessings on your journey!
Jackie recently posted..An Ode to Baking Soda
You and your post are absolutely beautiful. Infertility attempts to rip the feeling of self worth and womanhood right out from our souls… hold on to your self worth and your beauty. After 8 years of marriage, 3 years of failed fertility treatments, and 1 miscarriage… I am soon to be a mother of 3 and my first daughter (whom we were blessed through adoption) is not even 2 years old yet! Thank you for sharing your beauty and I pray that you’ll get your chance to be the beautiful mother you’re destined to be.
Love
Shannon
sday@findingsday.blogspot.com recently posted..MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY
Emilie,
I think we should be friends. We have a lot in common. I like your style. Recently, I started a private blog called “Woes of the Womb.” It’s like a virtual support group for those dealing with infertility and other woes of the womb. It’s a safe place where you can talk about the difficult feelings you have without being judged, and where people just like you totally get what you’re saying. It’s helped me a lot. If you want to join, e-mail me at chelsi.johnston@gmail.com. If not, no hard feelings.
Love on that little nephew of yours with all you have…he will mean more to you than you could ever know. And know that you’re in my prayers.
Chelsi Johnston recently posted..may is better already
Very, very well written. My heart goes out to you. Love you, girl. Stay strong. And I think your nephew could melt anyone’s heart with that big smile.
So cute.