Wow, does my typing arm hurt.
By · May 18 2011
I played tennis for the first time ever Monday. Husband has been playing with a group of guys and they needed a fourth man. I was recruited. Not for my skills, but mostly because a puppy is easier to leave at home than a baby.
Every time I missed the ball — which was about every time it came my way — I would apologize. When my serve went out of bounds, I’d yell “oh, I’m sorry!”
Usually the guys would respond with “don’t apologize! It’s fine!” or even better, “at least you are hitting the ball” when I would smack it so hard it interfered with the game in the court next to us.
Even though they totally played nice with me — and the only game I won was when I played with a guy who returned every ball I missed — they never apologized. They were cool missing a serve. It wasn’t the end of the world. It didn’t matter.
Eventually I stopped apologizing too.
So when I read this article about women winning the apology Olympics today, I was intrigued.
While many women say “sorry” as automatically as they say hello and goodbye, they also apologize for something as simple as bumping into someone’s chair. Men, in contrast, see no reason to apologize for trivial transgressions like a chair bump.
Kathy Caprino, psychotherapist, career coach and author of Breakdown, Breakthrough: The Professional Woman’s Guide to Claiming a Life of Passion, Power, and Purpose, is not surprised by the study’s findings. “Men are about control and competition. Women are more empathetic, focused on closeness and cooperation, keeping balance and harmony in their lives. Women are more clued into their emotional space. But if men think they did something wrong, or are expressing a heartfelt sentiment of sadness at someone’s bad news, like women, they are willing to say they are sorry.”
Yesterday, as I was typing work emails, I found myself continuously apologizing. For things I had no control over. Once I typed out “I’m sorry!” and then ended the email with “my apologies.”
I caught myself that time — deleted one of the phrases and started thinking about this blog post. And why I do it. Am I really sorry? Yes, for the inconvenience. Or yes, for the extra trouble a client went to when the order changed.
I really like their tips on changing the “I’m sorry” vocabulary. Do you agree? Or do you think saying sorry is just being nice?
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Oh, and about tennis. I had fun playing though, and even though I’m a total newb, I hope they will take me back sometime. But I have got to work on my form. My arm was killing me afterward.
P.S. Completely gratuitous puppy picture that has nothing to do with the post.
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Funny – my daughter is constantly saying she is sorry – I had her read your post… You hit the nail on the head.
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Great post – I never realized how often I say “I’m sorry” when there are better phrases to use. Usually, I’m not sorry to bother you because it indicates that my item of business is less important than something else when it usually is very important – or else, I wouldn’t be interrupting! I’m going to have to try out these other phrases instead.
This made me giggle because I can see you doing this. And you definitely need to stop! Don’t apologize; people are way more forgiving (or don’t care!) about most of the “I’m sorry” moments. I used to do it a lot, and have tried to stop.
Strong. Confident. Sure of herself. –> YOU. Don’t apologize.
Ginger recently posted..My first night as a Derby Girl
Great post! As I was reading your post, I realized just how often I do this. I’m working on it. That is such a cute puppy:-)
foodfashionandflow recently posted..True Colors
this probably makes me rude, but I never apologize. (unless its something major and requires a heartfelt apology and reconciliation.) I’m just pretty up front and ask or share what I need to without feeling sorry, so I don’t say it.
This is a great thing to work on!
LatteLove recently posted..Love Story- The Ultimatum
i agree that i have to catch myself saying sorry to much. but it’s such an overused word that it has different meanings depending on the context so i don’t feel like it’s that bad.
kileen recently posted..Throw It All Together
I say “sorry” wayyyy too much, it’s almost obnoxious. I’ve been trying to break myself of it, because I think saying it too often makes it easy for people to think you are the bother you obviously believe yourself to be. That’s no way to earn respect!
Also, my boss has this habit of saying sorry when she gives me constructive criticism, and I find it REALLY annoying. Don’t be SORRY – you’re the BOSS! It just makes her sound b**chy.
Vee recently posted..Five Weeks- Several Meltdowns- and a House on the River
when i learned spanish the phrase for sorry means “i feel it”, (lo siento). after that, i felt less guilty about how often i said sorry because i realized often i was expressing sympathy or empathy…eventually, i also was able to use more appropriate terms when i needed or wanted something, like your chart. anyway, my 2 cents on intention of a word:)
aleisha recently posted..outfit 61-coral and navy
I have no idea how much I say it. Though I do apologize to my husband a lot. I think it gets on his nerves
Also they probably didn’t care when you missed cause point for them!!
Jackie recently posted..I hate getting my haircut
I used to say sorry all the time, I also try not to do it so much anymore. Especially when I play sport, Ok I suck, big deal! haha I play to have fun so what evs.
Miranda
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Miranda recently posted..Rainy DC Days
It’s something I’ve been working on. Loved the piece though, because it hits the nail on the head with how we use sorry to mean, “I’m sorry it happened.” rather than sorry about my role in something.
Di recently posted..Define beautiful
I think we say sorry too often! There are other ways to be nice than constantly apologizing for things that don’t require apologies!
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Hello fellow San Diego blogger!!!
I LOVE ur blog! ANd i love this post. I have thought about this exact subject so many times. It is always so noticeable in emails too. I used to tiptoe around everything (ok sometimes i still do) but would have to re-edit my emails so they were more assertive. Why not just ASK for what i really want, what’s the harm in that?! We woman I think, this is a great post to help us all!
I think being aware of it helps in a way. Just knowing, and making sure you edit emails and conversations so that you are checking for assertiveness. If we start now, we will get in the habit of doing it!
Oh my gosh I do that too! Alllll the timeee. It’s a bad habit now. Too funny about the tennis – I’m impressed that you had the courage to go play with a bunch of guys! Good for you girl!
http://www.StarHughes.com recently posted..summertime
I find that I do that too… I usually do it with people I don’t know.
Elaine recently posted..Rain boots are for playing in
Wow. Great post. I’m sorry puts ownership on things we don’t need to have ownership of … those other options are great! I totally say sorry way too much (sorry that may be where you got it from!)
becky recently posted..Grief
So interesting. I find myself apologizing all the time! It doesn’t help much that one of my individual talent themes (a quiz I took for work told me this) is harmony–wanting everyone to get along. Which results in a lot more apologizing because I’m trying to make sure everyone’s happy–even if that means blaming myself when it wasn’t my fault.
I’ve noticed that most successful women seem to have overcome the idea that they are responsible for everyone’s happiness–and thus, obligated to apologize all the time. And I think a lot of getting what you want (and deserve) out of life comes from being OK with putting your own needs first. Maybe not all the time, but at least when it counts.
Lauren recently posted..About this blogging thing
Totally agree with this —
It isn’t that we can’t care about other people, it is just the need to constant sweep in and rescue. Funny, the most successful people I know are more trusting. They surround themselves with people they can trust, not people who need rescuing.
Ha ha ha, GREAT. Now I’m going to be all self conscious about my “sorry” usage. Maybe I should set a limit. Meh, it’s better than saying “like” and “um” all the time, right?
Lindsay recently posted..Today’s Weather Looked Like This
You are too cute! No worries, I am an apology queen too, but I’m working on it. Your little puppy is so cute though! we rescued two little ones, and though they dirve us crazey they makeus so so so so riddiculously happy too! Cute blog!
-Heather from lifeofapasseri.blogspot.com
Now that you mention it, I think I have to work out on that too. I also noticed I keep apologizing. Great post! Interesting! I am now following you!
Divina Joy Ayungo recently posted..Soul Mate
Oh this is so timely! I work in an office with two men and it’s so surprising to me when I think about the ways that we communicate so, so differently!
I especially think this is a good lesson for young women to learn – last year, I had two just-graduated women working for me (note: not girls. Ever. Women.) and this is something I tried to help teach them. The importance of not being submissive at work just because you are a woman.
beka recently posted..pre-conception class registering now
I read about this a lot in Business School. Some suspect it is a nurture thing – girls play in a very interactive way with one another and it is important to be sensitive to other’s feelings – even from a young age, we don’t want to be perceived as bossy, bitchy whatever. I don’t know why, but I know it happens. I find the hardest one for me to stop saying is, “I’m sorry?” when I mean, “Speak up, I can’t hear you!”
Kristen recently posted..Who Do You Love
We had a women’s leadership workshop at work recently where we talked about this. Even though I’m aware of it, it’s really hard to stop apologizing. My team is primarily male so that does make it easier, because they’re not offended when I’m blunt.
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