Define Beautiful: Alanna

When Natalie first asked me to write a Beautiful post, I briefly thought about it but then quickly decided I really didn’t have anything to say on the subject. I kept trying to think of what makes me feel beautiful and I realized that I honestly don’t feel beautiful very often. Like ever.

When I was a teenager, I felt like I looked okay, but boys never liked me, and I never was a popular girl. I started feeling like there was something wrong with me, and that I must be unattractive. I have a big nose, and I always felt like I was just a little too flabby. Once I hit my 20′s, I made a new friend that showed me the ropes and taught me all about exciting things like acrylic nails, highlights, fake tans, and brow waxing. For a while there, I felt like I was pretty hot stuff. I am so not a high-maintenance person though, and within a few years, all this superficial stuff got to be kind of a drag. Not to mention a drain on my budget! I started slacking on all the excessive grooming rituals, and slowly started to feel less than pretty again. Shortly before my wedding I met my makeup artist, who had been told by someone else that I had very deep-set eyes. Add that to my list of flaws, and now you have sunken eyes, a huge nose, a flabby belly and thighs, and on top of all that, I now had some serious acne scarring.

I did feel beautiful on my wedding day. It was the most amazing day of my life so far. Not only was my hair and makeup done, but I was surrounded by friends and family, and the camera was on me all day and night. I felt truly beautiful.

Fast forward several years, and I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I do feel pretty when I actually get dolled up to go somewhere, but those times are few and far between, and even then I wouldn’t say that I truly feel “beautiful.” I am looking into options now to reduce my acne scarring, but I just can’t do much for the other things I am not so fond of.

I told Natalie my feelings about not really feeling beautiful, and she made a comment that really struck a chord with me. She said that I have given my daughter my beautiful smile. I’ve been really dwelling on that thought, and I’ve become so much more aware of where that little smile of hers that I adore so much actually comes from. I have this silly habit of making ridiculous faces in photos and in the mirror – I open my mouth really huge, and I have no idea why. I just do it. I used to giggle so much when my silly little baby would smile with this ridiculous open-mouthed smile, and it suddenly dawned on me that it is MY silly expression that she makes. And she makes it look absolutely beautiful! (The day of her birth was the other happiest day of my life, by the way!)

So, when DO I feel beautiful? I feel beautiful when I look at my gorgeous baby girl and see the joy and sincerity and beauty in her sweet smile. Knowing that her beautiful smile came from me makes me feel beautiful. I feel beautiful when my daughter smiles at me and scrunches up her nose and gives me “tisses.” I feel beautiful when I’m actually dressed up with makeup and all and I walk into a room with my big, ridiculous smile, and everyone smiles back at me. And then tells me how beautiful my daughter is. Being a mom is so amazing, and while at first I felt kind of bad that my daughter was looking so much more like me every day, I now realize that not only is she absolutely beautiful, I am too. Even on most days when I really don’t feel so pretty. Beautiful is seeing myself reflected in my baby’s face.

- Alanna

This fabulous girl is queen of so many creative things. I look up to her, she’s pretty amazing. And no one can make vanilla cupcakes like her — there is a reason her blog is called The Vanilla Bean.

The Beautiful Project: More definitions of beautiful, posted on Thursdays. Send me your answer to “what makes you feel beautiful” to natalie at thebobbypin.com.